Due, or something like it.

Today is the "due date" for the baby to be born. What a crock. So I did a little research and it turns out "due dates" were originally calculated in the mid 1800s by a German doctor. (280 days) And no one has thought to re-calculate based on modern medicine and diet, different races, regional differences, or anything. Pure silliness.

So I did some more research, and there actually have been some studies done on Caucasian, American women recently. Like, since 1980. And they are pretty consistent. The average is really closer to 288 days. That's an extra week and a day, boys and girls. So for all of you who are "overdue" keep those numbers in mind. Maybe you're still early, just like Courtney and Para.

Alien vs Mommy

So, if you want to know what life is like for a 37 week mother and her unborn fetus inside, I can give you a simple script for your reading pleasure:

Mother To Be: "Ouch!"
Anyone Nearby: "You okay?"
Mother To Be: "Baby Kicked Me."

Mother shifts positions, rubs belly where she has been kicked, alien looking foot possibly protrudes from belly, mother goes back to what she was doing, and people nearby are either mesmerized or run for the exits after seeing the foot about to break through belly skin.

30 SECONDS PASS

Mother To Be: "Woah Baby!"
Anyone Nearby: "What?"
Mother to Be: "Baby is Hurting Me, I can't breathe."

Mother shifts positions, breathes hard, goes back to what she was doing.

30 SECONDS PASS

Mother To Be: "Ooh."
Anyone Nearby: "What's up?"
Mother To Be: "Braxton Hicks Contraction."
Anyone Nearby Thinks Internally: "I have no idea what that means, but it sounds and looks painful."

And on we go, hour after hour, day after day. I picked up one of those "What to Expect When You're Knocked Up" books yesterday and it said "...although you may want to hold your doctor at gunpoint and have her induce labor at your next weekly checkup, do not, your baby's lungs have yet to finish developing."

We don't have a gun (as far as you know) but I think I'm starting to understand why that sentence is in the book.

A Happy Woman is a Floating Woman

We just got home from a week at Myrtle Beach (or as I call it: Gatlinburg at the Sea). Every year we go with a big group down there and stay for a week. Good times. This year I was skeptical. I mean, it's like 4 weeks to due date, and as I may have mentioned before, there are no cities in the 5 hour drive between my house and MB. But, the doctor said it's fine to go, and away we went.

And a wonderful thing happened: the swimming pool. This house has a really nice pool. If I could post pictures in here I'd show you, but Blogger is acting like one of Jerry's kids, so imagine a pristine, clean big pool that looks out over the dunes then the ocean.

During the past few weeks, the Willis pregnancy (hers, not mine) has gone from "hey, come feel the baby kick, this is way cool" to "Damn baby, get off my bladder, ribs, and longs for a minute." She has descended into a struggle to get comfortable, breathe well, and sleep well.

But it turns out a swimming pool solves most of those problems. The added buoyancy takes some of the baby's weight and moves it around to places that are, well, good. And with the right type of float, sort of shaped like a hammock, she can lay in there and sleep on her belly. So, I'm happy to announce that I drove 10 hours round trip to figure out that pregnant ladies should stay in the swimming pool. If I had only known this earlier I would have added to the list of home improvement projects. Just what everyone with a toddler needs, right?

Behind The Curve? What Curve?

I recently read Courtney's post on all the things she hasn't done to prepare for our baby's arrival. And I pondered it for a few days before coming to this conclusion: so what?

Let's discuss these birthing classes. My buddy Jason and his wife went to one, and he said it was taught by a total crack-head who made them watch a birth (afterbirth included) on tv and then told them all that if you don't breastfeed your baby it's child abuse. Uh, nay. Not going to happen. I work in the hospital. Dozens of poor women come in there every day who haven't had the first day of prenatal care, and haven't even heard of a birthing class and by what I can only determine is a miracle of luck over and over, a healthy happy baby pops out. And all without the first new-age breathing technique. Bring on the drugs, forget the hippie-fied seances.

We did take a hospital tour. Very interesting. Reminded me of the hospitals I spend my time in, but for smaller people. They showed us a "birthing suite." I had been hearing this term get tossed around, and for some readson I envisioned the suites I stay in when I travel. Not exactly. When I go on a business trip I have 2-4 rooms to MYSELF. In this suite, 4 mothers are all giving birth in the same 4 room suite. It's a little trick they're playing with the words so they can bill you more. Maybe it's a suite because there is a bed for you and the baby in that one room, plus a tiny couch for sleeping. All in all it was a pretty nice room, but after hearing question lady (you know this woman, brings a paper full of questions to ask about everything under the sun when we're all just trying to get through the tour. Probably sat at the front of the class..) ask how long you get to stay, I found out that as soon as you deliver, you're OUT, and down to a much more drab, economical room. Super.

I admit it, I have been reading "What To Expect The First Year." It's on the bed-side table, and most nights I open it up and read something at random. Last night I learned that some babies have colic, which really just means they cry a lot, and you should not abuse them if this happens because babies...cry. Thank you, Arlene Eisenberg, you are a sage.

A pediatrician, before the baby is even born? Seriously? I have probably seen 50 different doctors in my lifetime, I'm sure Baby Willis will do the same. Whatever. I'll take whoever is in the building that day. Or I'll just call some friends and ask who they use, then wham, we're done. I've got news for you: it's all of you crazy parents demanding unnecessary tests and procedures that got us in this health-care mess to start with. Now Obama has to bail us out, for about $3000 in taxes per adult. That's 1000 boxes of girl scout cookies I could enjoy! Think I'm crazy? Read on:

I have no input on the childcare issue. If she works, we will get some childcare. Preferably a nanny type caregiver. If not, no problem.

I'll leave you with some wisdom:
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives hoping they will hurry up and walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!

Babies Mean Projects

As we get closer to actual baby due date (5-6 weeks I reckon) the need to complete the "projects" increases. Mostly it's self imposed pressure, since I'm pretty sure I'll be busy after the baby is born doing baby things. I do not know what those things are exactly, but people say babies take a lot of time. So, there has been getting the baby's room ready, getting a playroom ready, etc, etc.
And this is really a manageable set of projects. But then we had to get new gutters because our old ones were done and causing the roof to rot. So then that meant replacing the fascia board around the house. Then painting it. Then painting the house where the old gutters were. And the list goes on, and on.
Did you know I also have a real job that does not involve babies? As I prepare to use of some vacation to help take care of the Parasite, that means I have to get all of my little work ducks in order. My projects have to be organized, or preferably finished. So I've been working a little (or a lot some days) extra to get those wrapped up.
Tomorrow is our 6th baby shower. This time at my office, where I know about 4 people and my wife knows zero. I hope we get some burp cloths. We only have 313671283.
All this has led me to realize that babies mean a lot of work and you lose time for yourself long before the baby is ever born. I'm actually looking forward to those weeks at home taking care of an infant. I think it'll be less work than preparing for one.

Shower #2, Now I Need to Clean

Last night we had the first baby shower where males are present. Our friends Joy and Ben opened up their home to several friends and we had dinner and drinks, and for a few minutes we opened presents while everyone watched.
We got a couple of interesting "swadding" wraps. Sort of like a baby sleep jail. Apparently you wrap the baby up real tight with these cloths, then they sleep, unable to move anything. Sounds great to me!
We also received quote a few great books. I'm going to read those today. Sure, they're baby books, but they looked interesting enough for me. One was about Wild Things, and one was about Curious George, and I love both of those topics in general.
I'm sure once baby Para is born everything will fall into it's place, but right now I have to admit that we have way more stuff than house and garage. So, today I'm going out to the garage to throw stuff away, clean, and organize so we can take more stuff that is in the house and put it out there.
Have a great Saturday.

SO.....

We've had exactly one baby shower. AND already we're in need of a bigger house, and another car.

Awesome.

I can't even write any more on this subject right now. I have to go put several of my favorite belongings on the front porch for the Vietnam Vets to pick up so there will be room for baby furniture.