Why Do People Turn Into Retards Around a Pregnant Lady?

So, I was reading Courtney's blog (because see that's what I do:read hers, then respond here) and I was laughing at her story about Nigel saying she was different (fat), and not understanding it's because she's pregnant. It got me thinking about the truly retarded things people seem to do around a pregnant lady, or maybe someone they think is pregnant, but maybe isn't.

First, what's up with touching a pregnant lady's belly, when you don't even know said pregnant lady? Hello... invasion of privacy.

Second, is there some sort of reason why the most important question on God's green Earth becomes "how many weeks are you?" I've started answering this one with my age in weeks, rather than how many weeks pregnant Courtney is. It goes like this:

ME: I'm going to be a Dad.
CRAZY PERSON: Oh no kidding! How many weeks are you?
ME: (In the voice of a three year old) I one thousand, seven hundred, and thirty weeks.
CRAZY PERSON: Huh?

Lastly, there is this small matter of, uh, growth in the mother. And if the past week or two is any indication of the future, the growth is on. My wife looks pregnant, and I love it. But one time, someone looked pregnant, and I DID NOT love it.

It was my first day at a new job and my boss was asking me where I'd like to go to lunch. And so, noticing her pregnant belly (I'd estimate 7 1/2 months) I said, "Oh I don't have anything in mind, do you have any particular cravings?" To which she replied in a bit of a confused voice "Well.... no." Shit. I was so wrong. She had been pregnant, a few years back... So, I thought a second and said "Because on Mondays I usually crave a burger or something greazy."

Take it from me. Pregnant women don't usually want to be touched, asked how many weeks they every five minutes, and don't presume someone is pregnant until you've been given some proof.

17.5 Weeks and Illusion Reigns

So, undoubtedly if you're here you've seen the pictures Courtney posted of herself as she begins to show a bump. I swear, it's just a bump. In those pictures she looks like someone moved the decimel and she's 175 weeks pregnant. I'm THAT bad of a photographer. I somehow found the one angle, setting and pose where she wouldn't look anything her day to day self. In reality, she has this very cute little pooch, sort of like starving kids. Except starving kids aren't cute. They're supposed to look sad.

And since we're at 17.5 weeks, I should mention how nice those 17.5 weeks have been. For 10 weeks she slept, ate normally, and never pooped. Then I went out and got her some Senekot and she's been a farting, pooping, eating machine who actually has been awake because her energy magically came back. It's like having a brother! Except a brother who looks good naked.

She's also gotten a little spunky. for instance, since her pregnancy has been worry free (well, mostly) she's got it in her head we'll be going on the annual Myrtle Beach vacation to this place in her 35th week of pregnancy:

But the problem is that it's far to Myrtle Beach, and I envision us delivering in Orangeburg, SC, where the airport looks like this:

That would be just SUPER.

The Future Pele

Courtney has mentioned something about feeling the baby kick once or twice. Ever since then I've been shouting into her abdomen, begging the child to keep up the workouts. We need to get college paid for, you know. I also happened to have played a little soccer myself, so I know there are some great things about being a soccer player, like the hot chicks who flock to your side (see Courtney, for example). For more examples, I provide visual proof:

Girlfriend of German star Tim Borowski.


England's Ashely Cole has a girlfriend named Cheryl


Steven Gerrard dates this chickie:



As I was posting these pics, it dawned on me... what little Para is a girl? Well, we already know it'll be great looking, and she'll certainly play soccer. I think there's some sort of requirement for American kids these days to play soccer. So, I guess I'll just hope chicks this hot are attracted to her!

My Cravings

Being a male, I only have two basic cravings, and they never waver in intensity nor are they replaced. I crave sex, and beer. Everything else is done to get me to one of those.

Now that WE'RE pregnant, my two favorite past times have taken a back seat to the one thing that completely rules this house: sleep. Sweet, precious sleep. Courtney and Para (short for Parasite) need lots of it in order for Para to grow. Plus Courtney is doing this musical and that makes her tired. But don't mistake this as complaining, I'm supportive. And I like to sleep so it's a win on that front for me.

But there's this ONE little thing.... see attached video:

http://www.coolbuddy.com/videos/video_clip.asp?id=712

Yep, just like a freight train every other night. The next night it's much lighter, maybe more like a little pop... with every single exhale. So, I'm not getting so much of the sleep. And you can't really leave the woman you impregnated to go sleep in another bed. That's just wrong.

So, not a lot of sex when both people are dead tired, and certainly not a lot of "Hey, let's go out and have some beers!"

But, according to some things I have taken the initiative to read, I'm in luck on the sexual front. According to today's preeminent guide to pregnancy: Men's Health magazine, women are actually MORE aroused in the second trimester of pregnancy than their every day non-pregnant life. And according to this other website I saw (pregnancy.org or something random like that) I saw, men often find women most attractive as they start to chow a little belly.

YES, I'm headed into the bedroom to wait for the action to begin...

And about the beer, I'll be going down to the ACC tournament with a bunch of guys, so that will take care of itself.

The OB-GYNOGOD

I think our OBGYN charges about $1500 for prenatal care and delivery. I think when we figure in the amount spent (well, the amount the insurance company is spending), and the monthly appointments, we figure there must be quite a lot to having a baby, especially to the monthly check-ups. But in the end as long as we answer "no" to these few questions

"You been dizzy?" No.

"You been sick?" No.

"You been bleeding?" No.

"You been drinking and driving?" No.

they let Courtney pee in a cup, check her for preclampsyia and send her on down the road. I mean hell fire! Why can't they do an ultrasound every time we go? It's free to do, except for the jelly. I don't even want a professional to read it, I just want to look at the little one. They only get out "the duck" and look at her cervix. NEWSFLASH! Nothing going on up there yet!

Well, I have to admit I didn't even go to the last appointment. It's really a woman's world, and us men are about as welcome as a fart in a romantic bath for two. They only have one Car and Driver in the whole waiting room. I read it three times. The reast are all those "parent-noia" magazines Courtney spoke of in her blog.

I thumbed through a couple of those. Wow, really super. I've been wondering what colors in the nursery might be best suited to stiulate our child's imagination... Seriously? I couldn't care less. Want to tell me something interesting? Tell me what colors make babies sleep through the night. I don't care about the best way to discipline a 2 year old who says "mine" all the time. He's TWO! He just learned "mine" 8 seconds ago.

Anyhow, all in all the OBGYN is a fruity place that you get about two good things out of: pictures of your fetus, and someone to make the catch on the big day. If they didn't make so many mistakes and have to carry a gazillion dollars in malpractice insurance, they'd have all the money in the world.