Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Dear Berkley: Nobody Likes a Copycat

Whenever I start to do something now, and I do mean anything. Berkley wants to do it too. Or, just do it instead of me.

Today, I was going to mop the bedroom floor and get rid of the dust bunnies. But oh no, Berkley decided he wanted to "sweep." Awesome, go sweep then. Except Berkley's sweeping is not so effective. I think it's roughly 4% coverage, or lasts until his attention span rolls onto something else. That's about 19 seconds of sweeping.

Berkley, let Daddy sweep when he gets started, it doesn't happen often.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Dear Berkley: You Make Vacation Kinda High Stress

We dont' really have time for summer vacation. I have a few organization-defining projects due this fall, and Courtney is working out of town about 562 weeks this summer. BUT, we found some time, and here's how it went with a 2 year old.

Myrtle Beach.
Did you notice "beach" in the name up there? Well, I should just call it Myrtle Swimming Pool, because that's where I'll be. You can have the beach and every single sweaty, dirty, sticky grain of sand on it. I have no love for this sand. And if it's not the above type of sand, it's soft, fluffy sand between the house and the packed down dirty sand that has warmed to roughly 4000 degrees by 9am. Oh yes, let's walk around on that as long as possible while dragging three armloads of beach crap that will be forgotten the second a giant hole is dug by yours truly. Next year I'm just bringing a full-size shovel.

Berkley was pretty dang good on the beach trip, I have to admit. He slept well, played in the pool in at least 45 second blocks, and in general did not drown. Here's a typical day for him at the beach:
1) Wake up
2) Shit! I'm in a room with other people? Well, let me say their names as many times as humanly possible until they get me out of here.
3) Thanks for getting me up. Now, where is that train the other kid brought?
5) Whew, the train. And I'm hungry.
6) Pancakes are the elixir of the gods. I need more. What is this bacon you mention? I need all of it.
7) Time to swim. Yes, I hear you say it's 8am. Get your bathing suit on, slave.
8) Nope. Tricked ya. I am going to open and close the gate to the pool 700 times. You stand in the pool and call my name over and over.
9) Allrighty, let's swim, mofo.
10) Throw me. Again. Again x 100.
11) GATE! Now, x 500.
12) LUNCH, now. I will literally die of hunger if I'm not fed in 14 seconds.
13) Ham? WTF? I like pancakes, and bacon, but I'm starving so this will do.
14) Train please. TRAIN DAMMIT.
15) The TV is on? WTF is this news stuff? YO GABBA or you die.
16) Swim.
17) Got you again, sucka. GATE!
18) Actual swim. I pooped in the pool. Whose your daddy now?
19) Hey, all these adults are laughing a lot. Must be that giant cooler of beer.
20) Empty beer bottle? Yes, that is a toy. I should play with all things that I do not recognize.
21) Why is Mom always saying "No" to the toys I pick out?
22) I'm swimming with you, but I'm thinking... Train.
23) Beach? Hell yeah. Dig me a hole you man slave.
24) What is that? Ocean? I should run into that without an adult.
25) This sand is annoying. I should shove it in my eyes.
26) GATE. Seriously, I have to open and close this here gate. Somebody said if I close it 100 more times I get a train set.
28) Oh, everyone is on the porch relaxing after taking a shower? That's sweet. I'd like to go to the ocean now, unless I can play trains.
29) STILL HUNGRY. Whew. Thanks for the dinner. Pizza is my fav.
30) I'm dead tired, but can I play with the train? That wasn't a request, BTW.
31) Read books, sleep.

This one was a grand total of one night. But it was pretty good. Berkley has no concept of "our campsite" so he just wandered all over the campground looking at other people's stuff. They were nice about it. The water was too low to swim in the lake by the campsite. I'll remember to check that next time, because camping 100 miles away was the same as camping at my house, except it was 80 degrees in the tent as we tried to sleep. Super fun.

Berkley was very good for this trip too. Even slept in the tent alone while Courtney and I lit a campfire which lasted long enough to roast a grand total of 2 marshmallows before it burned out.

We're going to Knoxville for Labor Day to see old friends. Report to come.