Dear Berkley: There Was No Way to Prepare For You

I re-read Courtney's baby blog from the beginning the other day, and that little exercise made me realize how utterly clueless we both were about the whole parenting process.

I should go ahead and qualify that we have a pretty great kid as far as "ease of use" goes. He sleeps all night almost every night and he's done it since he was very small. He likes his bed so he'll sit in there and play for at least an hour after waking up. He eats most of what we give him. He only went through a very short spell of crying for no reason (well, it was evening, I suppose he liked daytime). He will go places the majority of the time without it being a hassle. All in all, if we stick to some semblance of "the routine," he's a happy kid.

But, it's still at least 5 times harder than I thought it was going to be, and there was nothing anyone could say to prepare me. I'm convinced you just have to live it, and if you're not happy with the changes that are coming up you're really toast. Let me list out the general changes now that we're 18 months in.

1) You cannot go wherever you want, whenever you want. The baby needs to be on a schedule and therefore you are on a schedule.
2) Most everything just got twice as expensive, except going out at night, because you don't nearly as often. So for instance, if you get a babysitter, that's about $8-10/hour, so for even a simple dinner date add $20-40 to the tab. Plus, babysitters eat.
3) Diapers disappear at a rate that would confound any logical human being. We received quite a few diapers at showers, but now that Berkley is up into the 2-3-4 sizes, we are on our own. Berkley wears Huggies or Pampers, which run somewhere between $0.25 and $0.30 per diaper. This can be cut back by buying value brand diapers. But, you'll be holding a wet baby, and said wet baby will wake up due to being wet. So, quick math says you're looking at an additional bill of $2000 for simply keeping baby clean.
4) Baby has to be fed, so let's not forget that little added expense. $25 a week (and growing in quantity and price) is formula. Of course one can breastfeed, but there is a common myth that this is free. Totally not free. Gotta have a pump, gotta get bottles so baby can feed, gotta buy containers to store extra milk. Momma has to eat more because she's still feeding two. Count on an extra $1500-$2000 in year one for food, and it only grows after that unless you feed the toddler mac and cheese every day (which would make everyone in our house very happy, because mac and cheese is pretty great.)
5) For those who are easily frustrated, or don't like unexplained circumstances, prepare to have your mind blown. Babies cry, get sick, complain, trash things, and then give you an occasional hug. There is little rhyme or reason, and everyone just puts up with it because what can you do? The baby can't tell you what's up for like 3 more years.
6) Even if you try very hard to keep an "adult looking" home, baby stuff is always everywhere, and it's brightly colored and generally makes turns your formerly well decorated house into PeeWee's Playhouse. There is no escaping, especially once the toddler starts REALLY playing.
7) You forget all of the adult music you know, and songs from kiddie shows are stuck in your head forever. "JACK'S BIG MUSIC SHOOOOOOOW..." These songs clearly have crack in them.
8) Once you get the baby to bed, you are often so tired that any chance of romance or doing something adult-oriented are history. You just want to lie on the couch and stare at Discovery Channel's latest pseudo reality show until you fall asleep.

This list could go on and on, but just know if you're having a kid. You need to love kids, and playing with kids, and acting like a kid, because that's what is coming. And if you wanted to do other things, it's generally impossible due to cost and the schedule.

All in all, it's totally worth it for the hugs.